


It Isn't Your Fault

by Musetotheworld



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Pre-Relationship, Referenced Alcoholism, Supergirl Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-09 13:49:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8893096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musetotheworld/pseuds/Musetotheworld
Summary: Astra finds Alex as the agent deals with the consequences of her actions.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MarvelDC31](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarvelDC31/gifts).



Whiskey is good. Whiskey keeps the memories away. Whiskey burns in a way Alex knows she deserves.

The bottle is emptying faster than it has in a long time, but Alex can’t bring herself to care. For tonight, this is what she needs. For tonight, she can forget, can drown her troubles, push them away and replace them with a blank numbness.

And it works, at least to an extent, as long as she keeps pouring, keeps drinking instead of thinking. She’s not gulping, not quite far gone enough for that, but it’s a steady flow as the night goes on. Just enough to keep her mind empty, to shut out the images that threaten to break her.

She’s so familiar with where the bottle is located that she doesn’t even look when she reaches to pour another glass, frowning a little when her hand meets resistance halfway there. Finally looking up from where she’d been studying the grain of the table, it takes a moment for her eyes to focus on the woman standing in front of her, hand outstretched to block the path to the bottle.

She’s not as surprised as she should be to see Astra standing there, though the look on the Kryptonian’s face does give her pause. She would have expected anger, distaste, or even outright hatred, not the understanding look that’s far kinder than she deserves.

“I thought I might find you here,” Astra says quietly, as if this isn’t Alex’s apartment, as if the alien hadn’t broken in without invitation. “I think it time we switch you to a beverage less toxic to your system, yes?”

Alex wants to whine as Astra takes the bottle of whiskey away, wants to go after it and the promised oblivion it holds. But something about the way Astra stares at her when she turns with a glass of water in hand tells Alex that sneaking it back will be harder with her than it is with Kara, and she’s not in any shape for a battle of wills tonight.

“Why are you here?” Alex asks bluntly, too many glasses in to bother with tact. “Thought you’d abandoned your life of crime after the whole mind control thing failed.”

It’s a low blow, but Alex can get mean when she’s this drunk. Usually that anger and general spite is only directed at herself, but that’s mainly due to the fact that she drinks alone these days. Now that Astra is in front of her, she has another target, and she’s too far gone to care that the other woman doesn’t deserve the harsh words.

“You remind me far too much of myself, Alexandra,” Astra says with a sigh, refilling the glass of water when Alex drains it. “But lashing out, whether at me or at yourself, is not the solution.”

“You just hid the only solution of the night in my freezer,” Alex grumbles, sipping at the second glass of water rather than draining it again. She still wishes it were something stronger, but she’s self-aware enough to realize Astra’s intervention is for the best.

“Drinking yourself into a stupor is no more a solution than lashing out.” Astra says sternly, and Alex lets out a gruff almost laugh at the misunderstanding.

“Well then what is?” she asks, not bothering to explain. Even if she’d meant it as humor rather than blatant deflection, it wouldn’t have been a very funny joke.

“Seeing your sister,” Astra says immediately, arms crossing when Alex shakes her head. “She’s asking for you.”

“She forgives too easily,” Alex mumbles as she looks away from the knowing stare being leveled her way. On the list of all the people Kara should want to see, she’s nowhere to be found. The fact that Kara still somehow trust her, loves her, wants her there? It’s just more proof that her sister is a far better person than Alex can ever be.

“Another thing we would have in common then,” Astra says as she takes a seat, seeming to realize Alex has no intention of moving any time soon. And given the fact Astra could easily pick her up and fly back out the window to Kara’s side, it’s more of a concession than it could seem. “But you did nothing wrong, nothing Kara has need to forgive.”

“She blew out her powers protecting me!” Alex yells as she jumps up, cursing as her head swims for a moment at the sudden movement. “She broke her arm, nearly broke both her legs, and at least three of her major organs are severely bruised. Kara took that for me, because I wasn’t fast enough.”

“You were trying to protect her first,” Astra points out calmly, though Alex can see the slight dents in the wood of her table that show the real tension in Astra’s frame. “Your actions, while foolish, were from a place of love and devotion. They are the same actions I would have taken, had I been closer.”

“Love and devotion won’t heal Kara.” The memory of Kara looking so pained as the medics had checked on her haunts Alex, and if she didn’t know Astra would stop her she’d be pulling the whiskey out for another glass or three, as many as it took to blot the image out.

“No, but time, sunlight, and the presence of those who care  about her will,” Astra points out as she rises, carefully positioning herself between Alex and the kitchen as if she knows what the younger woman had been thinking.

“I can’t be there right now,” Alex insists. “It’s killing me to stay away, but I deserve that. I’m the reason she’s there, how can I sit by her bed and face her? How can I let her tell me it’s okay? You know she will, she’ll ignore her own pain and try to convince me it isn’t my fault.”

Astra nods, slowly stepping closer to Alex as the agent vents, pulling Alex into an embrace that’s slightly tighter than comfortable when she finishes and breaks down into sobs. And Alex welcomes the discomfort, because if she’s going to accept the security of Astra’s arms when she deserves none of it then there should be a cost to pay along with it. She hadn’t pegged Astra as someone who initiated physical contact, but that doesn’t mean she can turn it away now that it’s offered.

“It isn’t,” Astra whispers when the tears cease, grip tightening slightly when Alex shakes her head. “It isn’t, Alexandra. You made a choice, and then Kara made hers as well. We all act to save those we love, and there is no shame in that.”

The words are soft, a striking contrast to the strength with which Astra is holding her. And for all the softening between them, the uneasy truce after Myriad that had faded into something more that Alex is afraid to think about, she wouldn’t have expected how easily they fall from Astra’s lips. Kara might forgive her, but for Astra to do the same? Alex hadn’t seen it coming.

“Now, enough of this pointless dwelling on what’s done,” Astra says as she finally pulls back, just far enough to make sure Alex can see how serious she is. “You’re in no shape to see Kara tonight, and I will concede that my niece would push aside her own pain in favor of yours, which would ultimately be unhealthy for you both. But in the morning, you _will_ see her. Your stubborn insistence on clinging to imagined mistakes will only cause more pain for you both.”

“Okay,” Alex gives in when Astra’s eyes narrow, knowing she doesn’t really have a choice even if Astra wasn’t completely right. As she heads to her bedroom, only weaving a little despite the alcohol in her system, she realizes Astra is following. “I’m perfectly capable of tucking myself in.”

“The imbalance in your stride does not inspire much confidence in that,” Astra says, not backing off. Alex eventually rolls her eyes and gives in, knowing it won’t do any good to argue.

She doesn’t bother to change clothes; she’d already shed the most restrictive of her gear when at the DEO before leaving and this won’t be the first time she sleeps in street clothes. Plus it’s just easier that way, given that Astra is still watching her.

Speaking of… “Will you stay?” Alex asks before she can second guess herself, remembering the offered safety of Astra’s embrace. She still isn’t convinced she deserves it, but now that she’s in bed, now that she’s agreed to see Kara in the morning, she craves it. It’s pushing the balance between them, the unspoken agreement they have, but she doesn’t care.

“As long as you need,” Astra answers before shedding her boots, crawling into the bed next to Alex with only a little awkwardness. It seems out of place on the usually composed general, but it somehow fits the night and the changes between them perfectly.

With only a slight moment of hesitation Alex curls into Astra’s side, clinging to the other woman as if she can somehow absorb her strength. And when Astra’s arms once again rise to pull her close, she thinks that maybe she can.


End file.
